It’s complicated.

UPDATE: Since posting this blog people have sent me many a link to the more personal and candid adoption blogs. And so I am adding links as I find them. It is reassuring to find so many people who are conflicted. Previously I had found more search stories and less assimilation into the no rules zone of becoming part of a new family. I have found so much. Thanks for the links.

ist2_7251173-3d-puzzle-xxl-12000x8000I have been searching the web for years for adoption search information and have found a lot of sites about adoption that include blogs as a sort of secondary aspect, and a far fewer personal story blogs than I thought I might. The ones I do find are just that – a personal story – but not a forum and really don’t delve into the deeper and larger issues of the whole journey, often stopping short of the complicated feelings involved. So I decided to sort of test the waters and see if there are people like me – people who have a story to tell and also want to share their stories with others who have been through the same thing. I am a big fan of support groups but cannot find a support group in my area for this small niche. Are we that few?

This all occurred to me yesterday on the phone with a friend who said, “I can’t imagine what it feels like to be adopted and I certainly don’t know anyone who has found their biological family. Do you even know anyone who has found their biological family? I imagine it is really complicated and overwhelming.”

ist2_6428830-international-chat-communityThank you for that, I said, it is really complicated and I only know one other search person and but for her, I don’t know any other adopted people. I know a lot of people and I have a lot of really close friends for support and all that but this adoption search has been surprisingly overwhelming and partly for the wide range of responses I have gotten from friends; everything from the aforementioned attempt to empathize and admission of not being able to fully comprehend to “What’s the big deal? Shouldn’t you be happy to have found your family?”

ist2_3920058-boring-meetingOf course I am happy. But it is a crazy thing, like a parking lot without lines, in a foreign dialect. It’s not instant Disneyworld complete with Tinkerbell floating about granting wishes. It’s complicated. Families are complicated, especially ones you did not grow up in. And you are entering a family not as someone who married in but as The Secret and that comes with a lot of baggage. It takes a while to learn the language and fathom the nuances. It takes a while to figure out where you stand and not feel like a guest. I will always be The Secret and I will always be a guest. It also takes a while for the family to understand you, and in the meantime so much is left to conjecture and, yes, judgment. I am a woman and as such I cannot comprehend what it feels like to be a man. I am white and therefor I cannot comprehend what it’s like to be black. I don’t know what it is like to be a twin or a houseplant. But not all of the people I encounter respond to my journey with that same level of humility and that’s just another place where it get’s complicated.

So this will be my story, and yours too if you want to share it. Maybe we can have a dialogue. We’ll see. It’s Thanksgiving and I am getting ready to spend part of the day with my new family. So it seems a perfect day to start this blog.

Explore posts in the same categories: Being adopted, Learning to be part of a new family, Meeting your bilogical mother, Meeting your Biological Family, Reactions from others, The Search

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One Comment on “It’s complicated.”

  1. unsignedmasterpiece Says:


    I have a blog about adoption but I am a (birth) mom not an adoptee. There are a number of great blogs from the adopted person’s perspective listed on my blogroll.

    Joy’s Division is one of my favourites but their are many.

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