What’s in a name? (sounds like “tissues”)

ist2_5845368-sherlock-holmes-seriesToday I found out my birth father’s full name. His name is Kilgore Trout so if you see him… Kidding!

But really, immediately I sold my car and hired a private investigator.

Kidding again! I held off doing my search for years once I had the initial inclination because I was so afraid of disrupting someone’s life. But I do want to see a picture of him. he lives nearby but I’d never go find him. I am only interested in what he looks like.

It wasn’t the sort of name I had expected I guess, or perhaps it’s not what I had in mind. For we all have something in mind when we go looking; it’s the adoptee way so it seems. So it seems – like so many ‘seems’ – from all of the blogs I read. Maybe it’s simply a ‘human’ way, her we are all human first. People envision potential ideal partners so why would we not envision potential ideal families? And in both cases can we say with absolute certainty that we are not perhaps looking to be saved somehow?

ist2_4250579-street-urchinSo today I realized that somehow this angst and anxiety and scorched and fallen souffle of a mind  (mine, I mean. I will not judge you) that is the whole adoption mess might actually have a beneficial aspect in a twistedly way; I am sure my sense of humor and capacity for empathy must have come from some sort of desperate survival thing or defense mechanism. Or super overeager need to please; a desperate need to be accepted for who I am and not what I should have been or might have been molded into. Maybe I am defensively defending me from myself.

“Funny, but I find the disinspiring totems (?) to be more uplifting, because… Why? They’re true, and therefore liberating… Released from being suppressed… Laughter inducing…”

And then I started collecting random quotes from the day’s emails from friends, from conversations and ponderings, and simultaneously together and out of context they assured me that maybe the mess and the pain and the all that is just a different sort of mess than I’d have if I hadn’t gone through all this.

“To some degree it’s probably everybody’s purpose in life to serve as a warning to others.”Maybe I’d be the cliche I so adamantly rebelled against and have a house with vinyl siding and a leased luxury edition Jeep just to drive to the mall and the supermarket; maybe I’d only wear clothes with labels and tell people that I only wear such labels. Maybe I’d have a middle-management job that I hate, and a mean boss voodoo doll, and an accessorized life with essence of superficiality. Or maybe I am just making myself feel better for this raggedy alternative life I envisioned having since I first saw Flashdance in the 80s, but really beginning at age 5. Maybe I’d exhibit consistent understanding and use of punctuation. But at least I realized my dream. I am just a different cliche. ;-)

“if you destroy your demons then your angels may fly away…”

In an email today another of us said, “Adoptees have control issues.” Check.

“if you feel you’ve figured everything out, you’re in for a rude awakening.”

ist2_6714569-hammerMaybe I have this life because I do have control issues and as such I just absolutely always refused to be the person that was demanded of me (that person who was so not me), that would entitle bragging by my adopted parents. For they bragged about their friends kids who fit that exact bill. McMansions are ultimate goal attainment, achievment without fortune is not brag-worthy. Yet this crazy life is a source of wonder and awe for my birth mother and her husband. Maybe it’s such an admirable wonder because she never thought she’d ever meet me. Maybe it is that awe-inspiring. Maybe it’s enough that I grew up to be a kind and admirable person without a McMansion in her eyes.

Or maybe I don’t know shit. But the name I found out today? It doesn’t seem to fit.

“I love you sons of bitches. You’re all I read any more. You’re the only ones who’ll talk all about the really terrific changes going on, the only ones crazy enough to know that life is a space voyage…” Eliot Rosewater, protagonist of God Bless You Mr. Rosewater, addressing science fiction writers including the infamous Kilgore Trout.

“You learn about life by the accidents you have, over and over again, and your father is always in your head when that stuff happens.” ~Kurt Vonnegut, on writing God Bless You Mr. Rosewater et al.

Explore posts in the same categories: Adoptee control Issues, Being adopted, Fitting in to your new family, I don't know shit, Life is a Kilgore Trout 'novel', Who am I?

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