This is how I feel when we speak on the phone.

I am not sure if what is happening is a search gone bad kind of thing or a simple personality clash, irrelevant of the search. I imagine the relationship/non-relationship must be a large part of this clash. I can’t manage to get a sentence out without being interrupted with some sort of challenge, as if I am uttering some untruth. I can say “it’s raining” and get “NO, it’s not” in that sort of jumping (as in, on me), snappy tone, as if I have been caught in some lie.


I cannot even handle a phone call these days. I want to scream NO, I am NOT lying, it IS raining here.

Everything I say is suspect. Most often the challenge comes as a result of misunderstanding or not listening to what I am saying. As in, “the mailman, who is a friend of Jane, told her that he has a pink poodle…” which is then interrupted with “WHY would the mailman tell YOU he has a pink poodle? There is NO SUCH THING as a pink poodle.” She comes at me with all caps, bold and italic, accusatory and loaded with contempt. Everything begins with NO…  NO, it is not raining. NO, that is not how your ____ is, NO, you did not do that, and so on. NONONONONO. It’s a tiresome refrain.

Maybe I am Satan.

Maybe I am Satan.

I patiently explain that the mailman told Jane that he has a pink poodle and I don’t personally know him, but am merely relating an amusing story. No matter. Even the aforementioned weather is not a safe topic. She is an authority on all things, including the weather in my very own backyard. Why? Is it me?

I don’t lie. I have no reason to lie. What would be the point of lying about the weather, of all things? What is the point, or origin, of such auto-contentious responses to everything I say? Where does this anger come from? It must be me. I do see that she is generally an authority on everything and that her own family gets the same treatment to a degree, yet that which is hurled at me seems multiplied, amplified, fueled by anger.I also see that I just wrote “her own family”, because I am not a real or accepted part of that, which is ok with me. That that is ok with me might be fueling some of the anger. I seem to be expected to jump into full membership with all the responsibilities – and not the rights and respects – afforded thereof. My independence infuriates her, as I can tell from things she has snapped at me. She told me once that I am strong, as if that were a bad thing.

My boyfriend say I am not Satan.

My boyfriend says I am not Satan.

My best guess is that I am failing to tow some sort of line and/or fulfill some sort of expectations. Perhaps she is angry because I am not how she might have made me, yet I dare say anyone can actually make anyone be any sort of way. She might have influenced me yet she could never have molded my life. Perhaps she is angry because she feels guilt for having given me up. I have done my best to assure her that I do not feel any regret. Now, more than ever, I am happy with the way things turned out and how I was raised. I am starting to wish I had never done this search. I now have a person in my life who makes me afraid to state my haircolor or what I am wearing, lest it be challenged. I sigh a lot.

Explore posts in the same categories: adopted family relations, Fitting in to your new family, I don't know shit, Maintaining a relationship with your birth mother, Playing by birth family rules, Punishment for being adopted, WTF

4 Comments on “NONONONONO!”

  1. Cheerio Says:

    Oh, Caramel ….
    I don’t know what her problem is –
    Have you ever asked her what kind of counseling or therapy she got after the adoption? You could maybe prep the question with “…I’ve heard other first moms say that it was hard to find helpful counseling after adoption…”

    You listed a whole host of questions wondering what might be making her so angry …
    Remember some of the roots of anger are being hurt, and feeling hopelessness, and guilt. You’re wise to wonder about the whys and what if’s – but it’s probably more than just one specific thing.

    I don’t think this should be THE reason why she is “snapping” at you… but – I’m not quite sure how to word this …
    “I have done my best to assure her that I do not feel any regret. ” Do you realize that this kind of phrase can be like a knife in the heart to a first mom?

    Now, it is NOT YOUR JOB to FIX her –
    but to say you have no regret, it’s almost like putting a grease fire out with water.
    I’m not in any way condemning you – I think you know I care about you.

    I dread hearing something like that from my son.
    Why? because I’m surviving – not living – surviving all these years without him & I regret that I am not there to parent him. If he were to say he has no regret – it just sounds like I would mean very little to him, and that he really WAS better off without me.

    Now if he were to say that he doesn’t hate me for it – that would be a completely different thing. I know I’ll need his forgiveness.

    And maybe that isn’t an exact quote, but I’m wondering … “regret” – you shouldn’t have any regrets. Regret is felt by the people making the decisions – YOU had not choice in it. Why WOULD you have regret?

    Maybe I’m making no sense at all. I know what I’m trying to say.

    It’s NOT your JOB to fix her, but insight into what the heck she was thinking would probably help some?

    I wonder if she’s more snappy toward you because she has more guilt – guilt that she does’t have with her parented children. (just thinking about the anger, guilt is a root thing)

    well, i’d better go – sending hugs.

  2. mybirthnameisallison Says:

    I’m sorry.

    I wish I understood it all. Why do they do this?

    I do understand what you are saying about “her own family”
    I wondered how could I be in the family, yet out of the family? How could I be a daughter, but not a daughter.

    It was too much for me.

    Strong? Of course you are strong, you had to be, because of her choice… and she said it like it was a bad thing? And now I would guess she wants you to be weak, so she can do what she should have done when you were born.

    Like Cheerio said above, “IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO FIX HER”

    Blah! Thinking of you. Hugs. Go easy on yourself.

  3. caramelgalore Says:

    Allison! nice to see you! And, thanks. You make some extremely perceptive and astute points. And I realize now that I need to post again.

    But, I *DO* feel no regrets; I honestly cannot imaging having been raised by this very UN-self-aware person. I am happy to be me and to have spent a good portion of my life in self-reflection and awareness and thus learned to be a better person at every discovery – no matter how painful – and, well… I feel like I dodged a bullet, frankly. Thanks for being there, and thanks for taking the time to share you very valuable insight.

  4. nesheryl williamson Says:


    I wasn’t adopted, but I can relate to your experiences. I think parents, in general, try to mold their children. I, myself, have to fight the urge to try to make my kids be someone I want them to be. My experience with adoption is that my grandmother gave one of her daughters up when she was born. My aunt was given to a friend of my grandmother’s, and she found out who her birth mother was while she was still a pre-teen. My mother has said it was awful. I also can understand what you say about being in the family, but being on the outside. My aunt comes around now occasionally to family functions, and it’s NOT the same as with everyone else. It IS like she ia a guest. I wonder how long that will go on? I admit I’m not myself with her, like I am with my other aunts. It’s almost liek I feel guilty about my grandmother placing her for adoption. Although I wasn’t even born then. My grandmother practically raised ME. I feel bad for my aunt. My grandmother has 9 kids, and it’s a huge gathering when we all get together with grandchildren and great children also. My grandmother has never explained anything to my aunt about her adoption. I KNOW she feels great guilt and remorse because I tried to talk to her about it one time, and she started crying. My grandmother is a woman who I have never seen cry aside from then, so I haven’t talked about it again. I wish that she would give my aunt that chance to talk about the situation. She deserves that.

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